I knew as soon as that Congresswoman from San Francisco became Speaker of the House, that pretty soon this country would be declaring, “Gay marriage for everybody!” And this weekend the fight began, as Homopalooza descended on Washington D.C., painting the town pink and demanding “equal rights.” You know what? Enough already. Activist judges have already made it illegal to deny someone a home or a job or beat them to death just because they’re gay. Now the queer-ass folks have convinced these rogue justices that just because they’ve spent years studying, practicing and implementing the law that somehow they’re better equipped to interpret God’s Constitution than the rest of us, and that marriage is an “equal right” too. Bullshit. Marriage is a sacred institution and letting gays in on it will destroy the sanctity of the union that we in America hold dear.
But, FunPie, America doesn’t really hold marriage sacred. I mean, we’ve turned it into several reality TV shows. We also let convicted murderers, rapists, wife beaters, pedophiles and people deemed mentally unfit to stand trial get married. Are you honestly telling me that two consenting, law-abiding, tax-paying adults who love each other shouldn’t have that same right?
Yes. Because the retards, rapists and reality stars chose not to be afflicted with gayness, so Jesus loves them more. Look, I don’t question God’s law. I merely obey it.
Well, some might argue that since people are born gay, God made them that way and therefore you ARE questioning God and nature, while others would point out that it always seems to be the people who scream the loudest about sexual morality, like Ted Haggard, Mark Sanford, John Ensign, Mark Foley and Larry Craig, who turn out to be the biggest hypocrites.
Listen, while it may be true that the people who make a name for themselves denouncing the immorality of others are the ones most likely to secretly be making little Asian boys dress up like kittens and suck them off, it doesn’t make their points any less valid. And I’m no hypocrite. I believe marriage is absolutely sacred, which is why in addition to being against gay marriage, I believe that anyone who has been divorced should not be allowed to remarry, anyone who’s cheated on their spouse should be forced to get a divorce, and any couple that is unable or unwilling to have children should get a handmaid and start fuckin’ her. It’s what God would want.
Which brings me to my next point: procreation. Gay people can’t have children, which is the main way we know Jesus hates them. He used to hate all infertile couples until assisted reproduction was invented. He still hates old people. Anyway, ever since gay people started living openly, straight people like John and Kate, Octo-Mom, and that lady who just got pregnant for the nineteenth time have had to work overtime to repopulate the planet.
Repopulate the planet? There are 143 million orphans in the world. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if gay couples who want children adopted some of them?
Am I staring at the inside of your anus? Because you must be shitting me. Gay adoption? Are you nuts? First of all, non-American orphans aren’t my concern, because if Jesus loved them they would have been born American. Second, in America, we have an excellent foster care system that lets children “celebrate diversity” by living with a new family every six months or so. It may leave them with little to no resources when they turn 18, but at least it doesn’t leave them thinking it’s okay to be gay, because that would make Jesus sad.
Okay, let me try to reason with you on a completely different level. Being gay is good for the economy. Statistic show that dual income families with no kids, like gay couples, have been spending money consuming goods and services as if the recession never happened. Plus, weddings are a billion dollar industry. If gay people could get in on it, it would be, like, a trillion dollar one.
You know what? That is a good point… about why gay marriage would be a total disaster! Because, what if they turn out to be really good at it? What if they turn out to be better than us? They’re already better at dressing, decorating and staying physically fit. If we let them get married it could end up like that time we let black people start playing pro basketball. Now almost no white people get to play! Look, gay people have already taken over Kylie Minogue concerts, Bravo TV and Glenn Beck. They don’t get to take over marriage too. Because if it turns out that they can stay in healthy, loving relationships longer than straight people, then we’ll have to find something else to complain about. And Jesus will cry. Which will make Him seem totally gay.