Yes We Ku Klux Can!

I did something unusual recently – I learned something.  Now, normally I mistrust anyone who tries to keep learning things once they’re out of school.  If you don’t have all the knowledge you need by the end of 12th grade, you’re the product of a failed educational system and a failure yourself.  I’m especially opposed – generally – to learning anything about history.  If what happened in history was so important, it would be happening now.

But the reason I’m bothering to share what I learned about is because this was something that was handled completely the wrong way in history but is totally being handled in the most right, righteous and awesome way now.  I’m talking about the fight to get the America we love back.

According to the book “Flapper,” by Joshua Zeitz, right after World War I, a lot of people in Real America were feeling pretty pissed off about the turn the nation had taken ever since the Civil War.  They’d been forced to endure something called “Reconstruction.”  Women were voting and, worse yet, dancing.  Other people were going around being openly Catholic or Jewish.  Darwin was trying to claim we were related to monkeys.  Everything was just ass backwards.

So these good people who believed in 100% Americanism – and just wanted their America back – revived a club that had been extinct since 1871 called the Ku Klux Klan.  They thought the Klan was pretty awesome because a series of books by Thomas Dixon and a movie by DW Griffith told them it was.  Freshly inspired, 5 million people strapped on their hooded white robes and marched on Washington.  It would have been so awesome if Fox “News” could have been there to cover this grassroots movement, but unfortunately Glenn Beck hadn’t been invented yet.

Anyway, as we all know, the Klan didn’t get their America back and eventually most people stopped thinking they were cool or worth listening to.  I blame that on activist judges who decided to legislate from the bench that it was “wrong” to publicly flog a naked woman just for making out with her boyfriend in the backseat of a car, or to break into people’s homes, drag them out and lynch them.  (Now that we have women on the Supreme court, that kind of activism is just going to get worse, mark my words.)

Well, things in America are a mess yet again.  Our black president is trying to force everyone to have health care, believe that pollution is bad and support trying diplomacy before going to war.  Women are still voting and dancing, and now gay people want to get married because they love each other, which fills me with a level of hate I know God would be proud of.

Fortunately, a new round of 100% Americans are fighting the good fight today, trying to get our America back from the Communist, Socialist, Fascist Hitlers who are using the liberal media to destroy the country.  Today’s patriotic brethren are inspired by books and media too.  We’ve come up with an awesome group name, and we’ve rallied together to march on Washington carrying signs that express our outrage.

But what if it’s not enough?  What if we end up failing the way the Klan did?  I mean, it’s not like we dress in weirdo clothing like they did.  And it’s not like all of us are overtly racist.  And there’s nowhere near near 5 million of us.  Plus we’ve got God on our side.  And righteousness.  And righteous anger.  And right wing television.  (Thanks, Fox “News” for cheering us on.)  So that’s something.  And maybe this time, that will be enough.

– The FunPie


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