The Aughts (and the Aught Nots)

December 31, 2009

Well, it’s December 31, 2009, and as a social commentator I am required by law to weigh in on the decade we’re preparing to exit, fondly known as “the Aughts.”  All things considered, I think the first 10 years of the 21st century have been a smashing success.  Come, reminisce with me about all we have achieved.

In 2000, we kicked off this tremendous decade by letting some activist judges on the Supreme Court appoint our President.  This was a bit of a change of pace for us election-wise, and some have argued that it pierced the very heart of our claims to “liberty” and “freedom” and other patriotic words that everyone knows only Republicans really believe in.  If we had been more uncivilized – like those rabble-rousers in Iran – we might have made a bigger stink about it, but we’re Americans, so we pretty much just rolled with it.  Thus, we were blessed with the extraordinary presidency of George W. Bush.

It wasn’t long before we found out just how great things were going to be.  On September 11, 2001, George W. Bush proved his dedication to early childhood literacy by refusing to prematurely end a reading of the delightful children’s tale, “My Pet Goat,” just because our country was under attack.  That’s because reading is fundamental.  Sure, he could have passed that message on to his National Security Advisor, Condaleeza Rice, so that when she got a memo stating: “Osama Bin Ladin determined to attack the United States” she would have not only read it, but also fully comprehended it’s significance.  But then W. wouldn’t have gotten to stand atop some rubble with a fireman and a bullhorn.  The nation wouldn’t have come together to support a man who up until that moment had plummeting poll numbers.  We wouldn’t have been able to prove how badass we are by going to war with not only the country that attacked us, but also with a country that didn’t.  When you consider how awesome the fallout was, can you seriously say you wish George Bush had done more to prevent 9/11?

Moving on, early in the decade Enron collapsed after faking an energy crisis and stealing money from old ladies.  Ken Lay then faked his own death, and George Bush spoke kind words about him at his fake funeral.  Who cares?  Business was booming elsewhere as banks merged with insurance companies, hedge-fund managers and Wall Street brokers created securities and derivatives that would baffle Stephen Hawking, home values skyrocketed for no apparent reason, and we all knew that the party would never ever end.  Well, the top 1% knew that anyway.  I mean, for most Americans, median income was falling for the first time in over 70 years, scores of families were joining the poverty ranks, and the shit was inching precariously closer to the fan each day.  But we felt good.  We felt rich, and that’s what matters.

Of course, hurricane Katrina proved to be a bit of a downer.  Kanye West tried to say that George Bush let a city drown, starve, die of heat stoke and get shot at because he doesn’t care about black people, but that is so  not true.  George Bush doesn’t care about poor people.  It doesn’t matter what color they are!  That was pretty unfair, Kanye, and we’re all still waiting for an apology.

The aughts were a decade when journalists finally started realizing who butters their bread, and stopped asking all those pesky, probing questions.  They left that to late night comediennes, because they knew nobody would take Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert seriously.  And we didn’t.  We were too busy worrying about the disastrous effects of seeing Janet Jackson’s nipple,  or being riveted to the news about whichever over-breeding woman was currently making headlines, or recovering from the 6000 side effects of the 200 drugs we started taking after constantly seeing their ads on TV.

This was also a decade in which internet news, fact-checked or otherwise, became the new mainstream media.  (Well, technically, since Fox News has been the most popular news channel for like 100 months straight, they’re the mainstream media – and boy are they hard on themselves!)  This new media finally made it possible to seek out only that which reinforced what we already believed.  Thank goodness.  Having to consider all sides had been making my brain hurt!

We wrapped up the decade by expressing our sadness over the departure of the great George W. with a global economic meltdown, matched in scale only by our global climate crisis, just to show how much we cared.  Then we went all affirmative action on the White House and elected Barack Obama, presidential quota filler.  And just like everybody else who gts a job because of his race, he’s done nothing so far.

Well, okay, he has done a couple of things, like:

  • Reversed restrictions on stem cell research
  • Appointed an assistant to the president for science and technology policy
  • Created a foreclosure prevention fund for homeowners
  • Expanded loan programs for small businesses
  • Extended and indexed the 2007 Alternative Minimum Tax patch
  • Expanded eligibility for State Children’s Health Insurance Fund (SCHIP)
  • Expanded funding to train primary care providers and public health practitioners
  • Directed military leaders to end war in Iraq
  • Sent two additional brigades to Afghanistan
  • Granted Americans unrestricted rights to visit family and send money to Cuba
  • Restored funding for the Byrne Justice Assistance Grant (Byrne/JAG) program
  • Released presidential records
  • Now requires new hires to sign a form affirming their hiring was not due to political affiliation or contributions
  • Pushed for enactment of Matthew Shepard Act, which expands hate crime law to include sexual orientation and other factors
  • Created a White House Office on Urban Policy
  • Supported increased funding for the NEA
  • Funded a major expansion of AmeriCorps
  • Worked to overturn Ledbetter vs. Goodyear
  • Banned lobbyist gifts to executive employees
  • Pledged to weatherize 1 million homes per year
  • Invested in all types of alternative energy
  • Enacted tax credit for consumers for plug-in hybrid cars
  • Provided grants to encourage energy-efficient building codes
  • Signed a bill granting equal pay to women for equal work
  • Extended unemployment insurance benefits and temporarily suspended taxes on these benefits…

…and gotten congress as close as it’s ever been to health care reform.  In other words, he’s pushed a socialist agenda that makes me want “my America” back.  And does he even know how “My Pet Goat” ends?  I thought not.

So, goodbye, aughts.  It seems like maybe the goal of this decade has been to fling America into the 21st Century with some sort of wake-up call about our priorities, our values and our behavior at home and in the world.  Well, I say, Mission Accomplished!  (Which as we all know, may or may not mean that the mission is actually accomplished.)  We’ll just have to wait and see.

Happy 2010, everybody!

– The FunPie

What Has Earth Done for Me Lately?

December 17, 2009

I refuse to believe in global warming, because if I deny it, it can’t get me.  Look, “climate change” is just a theory, like evolution, or gravity, and that means that no matter how much irrefutable scientific evidence there is to support it, I don’t have to buy into it.  Consider this, if it turns out not to be true, what good will have possibly come from us finding ways to reduce pollution?  There is just no possible benefit at all to cleaning up this planet.

I mean, just because Al Gore points out that tapping into alternative sources of energy like wind, solar and geothermal, with technology we already have, is not only a moral issue because we’d be saving the only inhabitable planet we know of, but an economic one because it would provide millions of American jobs that couldn’t be outsourced, and a national security one because it would reduce our dependence on foreign oil, thereby eliminating the market-manipulating control the Middle East holds over our political will, why should we listen to him?  The man never said he invented the internet, but everyone believes he did.  If we won’t stop believing something he didn’t say, why should we start believing something he did say?

Plus, remember Enron?  Those guys were hilarious.  If we built some sort of super-grid comprised of cheaper, more reliable energy than electricity, those guys wouldn’t be able to pull kooky practical jokes like the rolling blackouts California had so many laughs about a few years ago.  Al Gore is the enemy of fun, plain and simple.

Besides, everyone knows that environmental regulation is bad for big business, and big business has been nothing but good, kind, moral and generous to the American people.  It’s given us more free time by outsourcing jobs, made us thriftier by cutting wages and benefits, given us something to admire and aspire to by showcasing CEO bonuses and golden parachutes, and blown our minds with those awesomely complicated securities and derivatives that ended up catapulting us into a global financial crisis.

And when you try to regulate what businesses do, like say, telling a car company they have to have higher emissions standards, then they’re forced to spend billions of dollars proving why that’s so unfair, instead of spending those billions of dollars making fuel-efficient cars, so that when the oil manufacturers of the world do that whole price-manipulating thing again, driving up the cost of gas and causing people to demand more fuel-efficient vehicles, the American car makers end up losing out to Toyota and Honda, and then they go bankrupt.  Thanks, Al Gore, for destroying Detroit.

When it comes to pollution, I say, bring it on.  It’s called building immunity, people.  Industrial farms, factories, power plants and the like have enhanced our drinking water with hundreds of thousands of tons of industrial waste and pig feces, made our lungs more durable by giving us chewable air, and kept oncologists in business by creating carcinogenic conditions in towns all over America.  Do we really want to start putting doctors out of business, Al Gore?  Really?

Finally, let’s consider the earth itself.  How great is it, really?  I’m just saying, if this wimpy-ass planet can’t deal with our modern standard of living, maybe we should just say fuck it, and find a better planet.  You had your chance, Earth, and you blew it.

So, listen up, you Hopenhaggen nutjobs.   Maybe we could work to make the planet better for ourselves, our children and our children’s children.  Maybe it would be worth doing even if there weren’t overwhelming evidence underscoring the urgency of the situation.  But the real inconvenient truth is, everybody knows that “environmentalist” means tree-hugging hippie loser, and when you boil it down, trying to reverse global warming is just not cool.  So maybe we will be plagued by more severe droughts, floods, famine and ecological extinction.  But at least we won’t be nerds.  Some of us have our priorities straight.

– The FunPie

Yes, I Would Like Some Cheese to Go with My Whine

December 3, 2009

Remember those halcyon days before Obama, when Bush was president and we weren’t fighting any wars, our economy was booming, and there had never been a terrorist attack on the United States ever?  Boy I do.

I mean, well, yes, there was that one incident on September 11th, but you certainly can’t blame Bush for that just because he had been warned repeatedly by top security personnel and a memo spelling out Bin Ladin’s plans.  Give the guy a break.  He’d only been in office for 9 months!  Obama’s been in office for 11 months now, which means he’s had plenty of time to accomplish world peace.  And just because we haven’t caught the guy who planned the attack against us doesn’t mean we should still be trying.  Just let it go already.  We fought in Iraq to prove how pissed off we were.  I think the world’s gotten the message.

But stupid Obama, he campaigned with a promise to get us out of Iraq and refocus on Afghanistan, and now he’s doing what he said he would, back when people were deciding who to vote for.  What an asshole.

And as for the ecomomy, just look at what a big turnaround Bush was able to accomplish.  We went from a 500 billion dollar surplus to the worst recession since the depression.  Sure, it took him 8 years, but Obama claims he’s an agent of change.  So why can’t he change it right back?   It’s like he’s not even trying.

Then there’s the whole issue of health care.  Obama wants us to have it, which makes him a socialist-fascist-Stalinist- Nazi,  and he’s also the sole reason Congress hasn’t passed a reform bill yet.  Bush was able to control the minds of every member of Congress; why can’t Obama?  He should have done what Bush and the Republicans did about health care when they had a chance – nothing.  Then people would stop yelling on TV so much.

Man, I miss the good old days.

– The FunPie

Once You Go Black…

November 19, 2009

Thank God someone has finally found a way to blame minorities and poor people for the global economic meltdown.  I knew it had to be their fault!

I know most of you are busy reading Sarah Palin’s new book – as you should be.  But once you’ve finished pouring over it two or three times, highlighting your favorite chapters and making notes on how you should change your own life to be more like her, you should also consider reading another book that came out recently.  It’s called Architects of Ruin: How big government liberals wrecked the global economy – and how they will do it again if no one stops them by Peter Schweizer.

In it, Schweizer makes the very prescient claim that if bleeding heart democrats hadn’t forced banks to stop discriminating against blacks and Hispanics in their lending practices, our current credit crisis never would have happened.

This is the product description on

“In Architects of Ruin, bestselling author Peter Schweizer describes in riveting detail how a coalition of left-wing activists, liberal politicians, and “do-good capitalists” on Wall Street leveraged government power to achieve their goal of broadening home ownership among minorities and the poor. The results were not only devastating to the economy, but hurt the very people they were supposedly trying to help.”

Man.  Here I was thinking that what had happened was that rising economies in places like China, India, Saudi Arabia and Abu Dhabi caused the International Monetary Fund to almost double between 2000 and 2006 and that these countries were looking for safe investments with a slow, steady rate of return.  Normally, that would have been U.S. treasury bonds, but since Alan Greenspan decided to keep interest rates low, investors turned their attention instead to mortgage-backed securities: pools of thousands of mortgages created by Wall Street (sold to them by banks who had bought them from brokers) that generally produced 5% – 10% interest.  Of course, with so much new money in the mix, demand exceeded supply – at least of qualified loans – so brokers started loosening their lending practices.   They gave out loans however they could, and why not?  They sold those loans to banks and made their commission whether the borrowers ever paid back the loans or not.   And everybody went along with it because everybody else was doing it and they didn’t want to miss their chance to get rich.  So small banks borrowed from big banks in order to buy the bad loans because they could then sell them to Wall Street, which allowed them to pay back the big banks and make a profit, and then Wall Street could slice and repackage all the loans into Collateralized Debt Obligations which contained enough bits of good loans mixed in with the bad to fool ratings agencies into giving them triple A’s even though some of the assets were actually toxic, and the triple A ratings allowed Wall Street to sell those CDO’s to the International Monetary fund, and nobody was really at risk because by now nobody could really claim ownership of the original loan and everybody believed the party would never end!  After all, home prices never go down, and the only people who could possibly lose money in this arrangement were the borrowers!  The stupid, irresponsible, poor and minority bleeding heart liberal-backed borrowers.  And when those stupid borrowers started defaulting – causing massive foreclosures which caused a massive drop in home values –  Wall Street stopped buying any loans from the small banks who then couldn’t pay back the big banks, so they went bankrupt and also left the brokers high and dry.  The International Monetary Fund lost 30 trillion dollars, which made the new investors decide US Treasury bonds weren’t so bad after all, which caused Wall Street to plummet, and everybody stopped lending money to anybody because that hadn’t worked out so well, which caused a credit freeze that destroyed growing countries like Iceland, Hungary, Kazakhstan and Turkey, cut off student lending, drove small business owners under and doubled the number of bankruptcies in our country.

Whew.  I’m glad that’s not what really happened, because that seems complicated.

Well, that’s what I get for listening to the liberal media.  It turns out that the trouble we’re in is all the fault of ACORN, Jesse Jackson and Bill Clinton, because they made Freddie Mac and Fanny Mae help minorities and poor people get homes by lending to them at fixed rates they could usually afford, even though we all know (as Schweizer reminds us) that minorities have bad credit and will screw you over the first chance they get.  It’s also Barack Obama’s fault because he was once part of a legal team that represented ACORN.

I’d like to thank Congresswoman Michelle Bachman for bringing this book to my attention in her C-SPAN interview with Mr. Schweizer.  You know, that woman really is a rising star.  She’s almost as pretty as Sarah Palin, and just as smart.  I think she should follow SP’s lead and quit her job before she finishes her second term (I mean, she’s been there 3 years already!) so that she can dedicate herself to making America better.  If she keeps bringing books like this to our attention, she’s well on her way.

– The FunPie

Yes We Ku Klux Can!

November 12, 2009

I did something unusual recently – I learned something.  Now, normally I mistrust anyone who tries to keep learning things once they’re out of school.  If you don’t have all the knowledge you need by the end of 12th grade, you’re the product of a failed educational system and a failure yourself.  I’m especially opposed – generally – to learning anything about history.  If what happened in history was so important, it would be happening now.

But the reason I’m bothering to share what I learned about is because this was something that was handled completely the wrong way in history but is totally being handled in the most right, righteous and awesome way now.  I’m talking about the fight to get the America we love back.

According to the book “Flapper,” by Joshua Zeitz, right after World War I, a lot of people in Real America were feeling pretty pissed off about the turn the nation had taken ever since the Civil War.  They’d been forced to endure something called “Reconstruction.”  Women were voting and, worse yet, dancing.  Other people were going around being openly Catholic or Jewish.  Darwin was trying to claim we were related to monkeys.  Everything was just ass backwards.

So these good people who believed in 100% Americanism – and just wanted their America back – revived a club that had been extinct since 1871 called the Ku Klux Klan.  They thought the Klan was pretty awesome because a series of books by Thomas Dixon and a movie by DW Griffith told them it was.  Freshly inspired, 5 million people strapped on their hooded white robes and marched on Washington.  It would have been so awesome if Fox “News” could have been there to cover this grassroots movement, but unfortunately Glenn Beck hadn’t been invented yet.

Anyway, as we all know, the Klan didn’t get their America back and eventually most people stopped thinking they were cool or worth listening to.  I blame that on activist judges who decided to legislate from the bench that it was “wrong” to publicly flog a naked woman just for making out with her boyfriend in the backseat of a car, or to break into people’s homes, drag them out and lynch them.  (Now that we have women on the Supreme court, that kind of activism is just going to get worse, mark my words.)

Well, things in America are a mess yet again.  Our black president is trying to force everyone to have health care, believe that pollution is bad and support trying diplomacy before going to war.  Women are still voting and dancing, and now gay people want to get married because they love each other, which fills me with a level of hate I know God would be proud of.

Fortunately, a new round of 100% Americans are fighting the good fight today, trying to get our America back from the Communist, Socialist, Fascist Hitlers who are using the liberal media to destroy the country.  Today’s patriotic brethren are inspired by books and media too.  We’ve come up with an awesome group name, and we’ve rallied together to march on Washington carrying signs that express our outrage.

But what if it’s not enough?  What if we end up failing the way the Klan did?  I mean, it’s not like we dress in weirdo clothing like they did.  And it’s not like all of us are overtly racist.  And there’s nowhere near near 5 million of us.  Plus we’ve got God on our side.  And righteousness.  And righteous anger.  And right wing television.  (Thanks, Fox “News” for cheering us on.)  So that’s something.  And maybe this time, that will be enough.

– The FunPie

Sneaky, Single Payer Loving Democrats, Public Option Tricks are for Kids

October 19, 2009

For reasons no one is quite clear on, Democrats decided the health care system in America is broken. For even more nebulous reasons, they pretended they were going to fix it. Of course, the Marx and Engels crowd on the left has been screaming “Single Payer!” for decades just because 36 other countries have made their health care systems work better than our employer based, highly profitable one.  That’s crap!  Everybody knows that America is the best at everything, no matter where we rank, so shut up!   Anyway,  those of us who understand that the government ruins everything knew it was only a matter of time before it ruined our excellent health care system by agreeing to a public option and turning America into Stalinist Russia.

That’s why I was so confused when Democrats, led by Max Baucus, voted for a bill that includes a mandate for buying health insurance, but no public option. At first I thought it was just a desperate attempt to pander for the single and ultimately meaningless vote of Olympia Snowe, because nobody loves acting all high and mighty about their bi-partisanship more than Democrats. Then I realized that this is actually a sneaky, slippery route to the government-run health care that left wing nut jobs have been clamoring for all along.

Think about it. If there’s a mandate for insurance but no public option, what happens to the people who can’t pay? They go to jail, obviously. And what do you get in jail? Free, government-run health care.

Or maybe they’ll just get a fine. But if they can’t pay for health insurance, how will they pay the fine? Obviously, they’ll have to get a job with the only organization still hiring these days: the Army. And once they’re in the Army, they’ll get free, government-run healthcare. And the Democrats will finally be able to have that troop surge they’ve been pushing for in Afghanistan! They win on all counts!

Or maybe, they’ll fight the system, and keeping fighting until they grow old, or at least over 65, when they will receive free, government-run health care.

This must be stopped. In America, we believe in free choice. That’s why your employer, if you have one, is free to choose who will be your healthcare provider. If you take that choice away from us, we’ll be left getting treated as badly as criminals, old people and the Army. And that’s just not right.

-The FunPie

Celebrate Diversity? That’s So Gay!

October 12, 2009

I knew as soon as that Congresswoman from San Francisco became Speaker of the House, that pretty soon this country would be declaring, “Gay marriage for everybody!”  And this weekend the fight began, as Homopalooza descended on Washington D.C., painting the town pink and demanding “equal rights.”  You know what?  Enough already.  Activist judges have already made it illegal to deny someone a home or a job or beat them to death just because they’re gay.  Now the queer-ass folks have convinced these rogue justices that just because they’ve spent years studying, practicing and implementing the law that somehow they’re better equipped to interpret God’s Constitution than the rest of us, and that marriage is an “equal right” too.  Bullshit.  Marriage is a sacred institution and letting gays in on it will destroy the sanctity of the union that we in America hold dear.

But, FunPie, America doesn’t really hold marriage sacred.  I mean, we’ve turned it into several reality TV shows.  We also let convicted murderers, rapists, wife beaters, pedophiles and people deemed mentally unfit to stand trial get married.  Are you honestly telling me that two consenting, law-abiding, tax-paying adults who love each other shouldn’t have that same right?

Yes.  Because the retards, rapists and reality stars chose not to be afflicted with gayness, so Jesus loves them more.  Look, I don’t question God’s law.  I merely obey it.

Well, some might argue that since people are born gay, God made them that way and therefore you ARE questioning God and nature, while others would point out that it always seems to be the people who scream the loudest about sexual morality, like Ted Haggard, Mark Sanford, John Ensign, Mark Foley and Larry Craig, who turn out to be the biggest hypocrites.

Listen, while it may be true that the people who make a name for themselves denouncing the immorality of others are the ones most likely to secretly be making little Asian boys dress up like kittens and suck them off, it doesn’t make their points any less valid.  And I’m no hypocrite.  I believe marriage is absolutely sacred, which is why in addition to being against gay marriage, I believe that anyone who has been divorced should not be allowed to remarry, anyone who’s cheated on their spouse should be forced to get a divorce, and any couple that is unable or unwilling to have children should get a handmaid and start fuckin’ her.  It’s what God would want.

Which brings me to my next point: procreation.  Gay people can’t have children, which is the main way we know Jesus hates them.  He used to hate all infertile couples until assisted reproduction was invented.  He still hates old people.  Anyway, ever since gay people started living openly, straight people like John and Kate, Octo-Mom, and that lady who just got pregnant for the nineteenth time have had to work overtime to repopulate the planet.

Repopulate the planet?  There are 143 million orphans in the world.  Wouldn’t it be wonderful if gay couples who want children adopted some of them?

Am I staring at the inside of your anus?  Because you must be shitting me.  Gay adoption?  Are you nuts?  First of all, non-American orphans aren’t my concern, because if Jesus loved them they would have been born American.  Second, in America, we have an excellent foster care system that lets children “celebrate diversity” by living with a new family every six months or so.  It may leave them with little to no resources when they turn 18, but at least it doesn’t leave them thinking it’s okay to be gay, because that would make Jesus sad.

Okay, let me try to reason with you on a completely different level.  Being gay is good for the economy.  Statistic show that dual income families with no kids, like gay couples, have been spending money consuming goods and services as if the recession never happened.  Plus, weddings are a billion dollar industry.  If gay people could get in on it, it would be, like, a trillion dollar one.

You know what?  That is a good point… about why gay marriage would be a total disaster!  Because, what if they turn out to be really good at it?  What if they turn out to be better than us?  They’re already better at dressing, decorating and staying physically fit.  If we let them get married it could end up like that time we let black people start playing pro basketball.  Now almost no white people get to play!  Look, gay people have already taken over Kylie Minogue concerts, Bravo TV and Glenn Beck.  They don’t get to take over marriage too.   Because if it turns out that they can stay in healthy, loving relationships longer than straight people, then we’ll have to find something else to complain about.  And Jesus will cry.  Which will make Him seem totally gay.

-The FunPie